


Regrets

by c_heels



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 16:32:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5382272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_heels/pseuds/c_heels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>***</p>
<p>   "Is it true you were with a vampire?"</p>
<p>   If it was possible, the ever so confident and assured Buffy Summers flushed a darker shade of vermillion, whilst Dawn who was beside her sister, started laughing hysterically. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Post-Series. AU. One shot. </p>
<p>   Wherein, the SITs are curious about Buffy's love life and what she regrets most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> I found this a few days ago, and had written this more than a few months back. I think I was dabbling with POVs, and then I had this idea. Has been edited by myself, no beta-ing, so I'm not exactly sure if the spelling, grammar etc is a-okay. Feedback is appreciated!:D
> 
> I'm not sure if anyone is OOC, but it is a predominant fact if you've read my work on EF. I'm just all with the wishin' xD
> 
> C x

"Regrets

The classes were hard, the competition was obvious, but everyone was welcoming, and soon, the place became home to Harper Penn, Orphan, who was now Harper Penn, Slayer. Despite her Slayer advantages, Harper was still a clumsy girl of 13 and a half, and had a penchant for the magics more than she had all the complex training moves like her new and older best friend, Quanika Powell, who preferred to be called Q. 

As a curious 13 year old girl, Harper couldn't help but feel a certain curiosity towards the original chosen one, Buffy Summers - who was chosen even before Faith, who was once in prison Q told her once. At first, it was just her need to hear how someone with that much responsibility - way back when it was just the Chosen One, singular - could still make it out alive after dying like, thrice. Then it was the expression on her face, the time worn one which told of a girl who matured too quick and didn't have time to enjoy her youth, and Harper couldn't help but ponder how she could still look pretty after more than a few years of stress without any stress lines or wrinkles at the tender age of 25. 

Q told Harper a lot of things to satiate her curiosity, but the curiosity just grew. Maybe it was the fear that fed it, the fear that she wouldn't have a normal life, and the questions which were incessantly chattering in her head; the ones which questioned if she was even strong enough to even be one of the legendary Slayers, even if she was just one Slayer, she wanted to make her mark, like Buffy and Faith, and some of the Potential-Turned-Slayers that were there when Sunnydale fell like Rona and Kennedy - and now, she had a chance. She didn't before, with her dull olive skin, too large eyes, short height, slightly squished nose, and black hair which curled unattractively. Did Slayers even have social lives? Relationships? Did they get to die of natural causes?

Anyway, back to what Q told Harper. Q told Harper everything that went around in the Slayer social circles; from Cindy losing her virginity to Bob, to Sydney being a lesbian. Everything. Even the fact that supposedly, THE Buffy Summers, Vampire Slayer, original Chosen One, a role model to all the young'uns, had a thing with not one, but TWO evil vampires. 

There wasn't much said about Buffy's personal life, except from the fact her current social circle was mainly extended to Willow Rosenberg (currently on a business trip to England), Xander Harris (who was currently in Africa), Dawn Summers (apparently she was a Key according to Q, whatever that meant), Rupert Giles (who the girls had only meant once), Andrew Wells (who had to be shut up more than a few times when he began to babble about the gangs personal lives), and Faith Lehane (who everyone speculated was secretly in love with Buffy), and a few people in LA that the girls had never met. 

And nothing about her relationships; sure, there was that Riley guy's visit that one time with the army guys, and he supposedly dated Buffy, but that was it - so Harper's thoughts about the imminent doom of the slightest hope of being in a relationship was due to her Slayer heritage. And she didn't understand how Buffy could stand it. 

When Faith was asked on her relationships, she just laughed. Not condescendingly, nor mockingly, but as if she genuinely found the question funny. After being given a few odd looks from the SITs, she rolled her eyes, and begrudgingly explained. 

"I wasn't a relationship type of Slayer till Robin. I'm no good at this, ask B on this type of girly crap", she said, and then that was the day Buffy and Faith's relationship was downgraded to friendship, and Harper's curiosity festered. 

***

It was a sunny day in late April, where the girls at the Scotland-based Slayers were having a day off. A lazy day where they got to be as normal and girly as the Slayers they weren't. Some went shopping, which was reluctantly supervised by a grumbling Faith and newly-single-but-enthusiastic Willow, who had returned the day before from her business trip. 

Only a few stayed in, with Buffy and Dawn as the adult supervisors, despite some of the girls being older than Dawn. The few girls that stayed, which only counted up to 10 girls, were all chattering amongst themselves or reading magazines, whilst Dawn was painting Buffy's toenails a hot pink as she sharpened her axe. 

Q, who sat next to Harper, like the open-minded blonde she was, asked, out of the blue: "can Harper ask you a question?"

After sending Q a glare, Harper began to blush a pink which painted her cheeks, avoided the Californian-Blondes eyes, and stared at the carpeted floor. 

"Um, yeah sure, what is it?" Buffy spoke hesitantly, making everyone in the room stop chatting. As it was, Harper just flushed harder. At times like these, Harper found it hard to be so legendary and renown in both the demon-world and also the human-world and still act extraordinarily normal like Buffy currently was. Gaining the courage to speak, Harper raised her eyes to meet the Original Slayer's inquisitive gaze. 

"Are our, um, relationships doomed? Y'know, are we like, going to, er, like have a belt of chastity or relationships, because of um, being Slayers?" Harper managed to get out, praising herself for the small amount of stutters, and the fact that she could feel her blush going down, even if it was slight. 

Much to Harper's surprise, Dawn snorted, and Buffy blushed. 

"Yeah, well, if that's true, Buffy didn't get the message. Also like the message about non-vamp-slayer collaboration..." Dawn laughed, and Buffy thwacked her sister on the arm, and blushed harder. 

"Um, Harper, right?" Buffy asked. 

Harper nodded. 

"Slaying does tend to mess up a lot of our relationships, because of y'know, saving-the-world-duties and all, so that's why I found it better to be with a guy who, um, could take care of himself and knew about all the Slayage. No need for a chastity belt or no relationship rule", Buffy explained, and before Harper could stop herself, she immediately spoke the question that had been running miles in her head. 

"Is it true you were with a vampire?"

If it was possible, the ever so confident and assured Buffy Summers flushed a darker shade of vermillion, whilst Dawn who was beside her sister, started laughing hysterically. 

"I mean... Um... I've just heard, a-and I was wondering how that even, er, worked out, b-because, slayer, vamp? I d-d-don't mean to be n-nosy", Harper stuttered horribly, retreating into herself again, whilst Q shot her an apologetic and concerned look. 

Seeing this, Buffy immediately went to placate her embarrassment. 

"No, it's a legitimate question! And yeah, it's true. I had a... Collaboration with a pair of vampires-" Buffy said, before getting interrupted by another snort of laughter from Dawn. 

"Yeah, if collaborating is screwing two of of worst Vampires known to the Watchers, who both now own souls... Yeah, collaborating", Dawn laughed, before calming down with a slight awkward look as a pained, sort of regretful look passed over Buffy's for a millisecond. 

"What happened? To the Vampires I mean? Even if they did have souls, it would've ended badly anyways - like hello, Vampire, Slayer?" Q added in a 'duh' voice, unaware to the understanding between the Summers sisters. 

"Yeah, one of them I had to pierce a sword through his chest and send him to hell to save the world, and the other... Well..."

"The other Vampire, after getting a not extremely temporary soul for the love of his unlife, had to get sacrificed too, and didn't come back", Dawn finished for her now quiet sister, twin looks of regret flashing on their faces. The room was quiet for a few moments, and Harper deduced from their expressions that the topic was touchy. Especially with the regretful looks on their faces. With the confidence of a girl who didn't have a near perpetual stutter, she asked: 

"Any regrets?"

When the Summers' sisters both looked up to give Harper sharp looks, she blushed, but she fought the urge to look down, too interested in the story now to leave any holes loose. 

"A few."

"Just the one, didn't forgive him for something I should've", replied the both of them, both equally as vague as each other.

"How did the relationships go anyway, Miss Summers? Do we have any hope?" Q joked. 

"Call me Buffy, please, you're making me sound old. I used to think that after my first Vampiric boyfriend, Angel, when he left town. He told me to try normal out even though I was the Slayer who - let's face it - puts herself and most people around her in deaths way constantly. But I tried it with Riley, and that seriously didn't work. And after that... It was Spike, the leather-clad pain-in-the-ass Vampire who helped us a few times. Our relationship wasn't easy. He loved me first, but we all told him that he was just deluding himself, because back then we thought that soulless demons can't love - they don't have the ability, but boy, were we proved wrong. 

"Even before he loved me, Spike was... Erm... Unique? Let's put it that way. For a Vampire, anyway. He ate blooming onions and spicy buffalo wings, stayed with and loved the same woman for over a century, watched TV on a regular basis, and still had his human vices. He acted more human than a lot of humans, but because y'know, we had the whole worst-enemy thing going on, we denied him of even that. He was just an evil, harmless demon who hated us."

"Um, Miss S- Buffy? How did you know he was harmless?" A tall, slender redhead with a freckled face and bright hazel eyes asked curiously.

"Oh yeah, I didn't tell you about this - the year before that, the government captured Spike and put a chip in his head so that he wouldn't be able to hurt humans without a blinding pain. At the time, it was hilarious. But a few years on, after... Seeing a few things about our soulful race, it was inhumane. 

"Anyway, Spike had a chip and he realised he loved me a couple of months before I died the second time. And Spike being Spike, also known as an impulsive and wreckless pain in my ass, had to tell me in the worse way possible: chain me up next to his psycho ex, Drusilla."

At the gasps and wide-eyed looks Buffy got from the well known Vampire's name, Buffy chuckled and waited for the question she knew was inevitable with people who weren't there to witness the story play out like Dawn, who was currently smiling with a soft, reminiscing smile. 

"But Buffy, how could you love him after that? Just saying, no matter how hot the vamp, I would stake his ass", Q commented confidently, nodding her head so her blonde locks bounced on her shoulders. 

"The love story between me and Spike wasn't a love story; it was more of cautionary tale. It was long, and tiring, and messed up, but he loved me and I loved him in the end and... That's all that mattered. Okay, back to story. After that, he was shunned because of the really idiotic way to tell me he loved me, and because of his feelings for me - and back then? No warm fuzzy feelings towards that vamp from any of the Scoobs. But then... He did something not even a soulless Angel would dare do. He was captured by the Hell bit-Er, God, Glory, and no matter the torture or how close he came to dusting, he didn't tell her the name of Key, who's Dawnie by the way. And that's a completely different story, and lemme finish this one first. 

"After that, we didn't trust him, no, but we gave him a crumb and let him back in. 

"When I died... Well... I've only heard stories about this, because I was y'know, dead - but Dawn, Spike, and Tara told me what he did. He kept a promise he made to me - a long dead woman - that he would keep Dawnie safe till the end of the world. But he did so much more than that; he stayed, helped out to fight what goes bump in the night alongside a bunch of people who resented him and what he is, but he did it. When I came back... He told me... He told me that when he saw me, that it was one of the most happiest and saddest moments of his life; happy because he didn't think he'd be able to ever see me in the flesh again, and saddest because I was dragged out of eternal rest and... Heaven - by my friends."

At this moment, Buffy expected the gasps and wide eyed stares, and she in return just gave them a sad but accepting smile. 

"Heaven is great and all... But if I'd never been dragged out, I wouldn't've realised what I had till I was gone. This is where our relationship began - I was depressed, alone, and I resented myself for resenting my friends for pulling me out of heaven, and for needing me to be her again - to be the Buffy who didn't get to touch heaven and feel eternal peace. 

"Spike... Spike, on the other hand, he didn't need me to be anything, he was just content with seeing me, not needing me to be the Slayer, or a best friend, or Saviour, or surrogate Parent, or anything. Also, he understood, being dead and all. 

"It spiralled and got messed up. I had a friendship with him because he was the only one who I felt comfortable just being in a state of perpetual numbness, or misery, sometimes drunkness. He just let me be, and that's what I coveted. But then... We screwed up. 

"We had wild, abusive, loving, but hateful on my side, punishing, passionate, and desperate sex. Everywhere, anytime", Buffy said quickly, practically hearing the jaws dropping from the SITs at the oral proof that their trainer/mentor/figurehead ever participated in a casual relationship, and the twitch of Dawn's lips as she smirked at her sister's embarrassment. 

"I was numb, and he made me feel anything but. We hurt each other through abuse, both physical and mentally, but I used his emotions against him more than he did me," Buffy said, somewhat bitterly at herself. 

"This relationship was only a few months old, and it ruined me. I think I grew more uncaring and more, well, dark as the relationship progressed, and it was as scarring as it was healing. Scarring because, well, to this day, I still can't believe I did those things. Could do those things - and don't give me that look Dawn Summers! I did not mean that, so get your mind out the gutter!

"And healing because I had an outlet. Somewhere, someone who I could show how much I hurt when I couldn't to my little sister, my surrogate Father or my best friends. I ended it, though. Told him I was using him, and at first, he was reluctant, and then, he accepted it. Saw how happy and better I was out of the relationship. 

"The turning point was when he had sex with my friend, Anya, who you may have heard was killed in the battle with the First. She was with Xander, but due to a vengeful demon, they split and she was hurt. They had sex for solace, and due to Andrew's old 'evil' gang and their spy cameras and some Willow interception, we caught the gist of it. I was hurt and so was Xander. 

"With this being a tiniest smidgeon that I still cared, with Spike being as desperate and obsessively in love with me as he was, and months of mental abuse and some physical... He did something really bad. So bad that even he, a soulless demon who wasn't meant to feel guilt, did, and went off to Africa to get his soul. Which he did, after doing a bunch of demon trials which nearly killed him. 

"When I found out, when he came back, I didn't know how to react. He was in bad shape, and when I saw him, saw how much he needed it, I forgave him, even though he didn't know it. Eventually, we developed something between us during the time of the First Evil that we never had through the years of knowing each other; trust. 

"It meant a lot to him, I could tell. I even chose him as my champion over Angel who I believed would be the only person I could ever love as much or more. And not only did I trust him to be my champion, he needed it. Needed that show that I believed in him to save the world.

"I remember his last moments with me. I wanted him to go, run out of the collapsing Sunnydale before he died, but he didn't let me. He had a cowards way out, and he instead wanted to sacrifice himself, which sure isn't a stone throws away from the Spike I first met who wanted to bag his 3rd Slayer. I told him then..." Buffy hesitated, unsure as whether she should taint the memory of a regret that long haunted her now as a whisper she tried to avoid by telling the SITs who's eyes pleaded with her to continue, to make it the Romeo and Juliet love story they wanted to hear. Clearing her throat, Buffy took a breath and continued. 

"I told him that I loved him, words he'd been waiting to hear for a long while. And I told him I loved him because I was proud, proud of what he'd achieved, what he'd become, and I was proud, and I loved him in every romantic connotation of the word. And he told me I didn't love him", Buffy finished. 

The silence was cacophonous to Harper, like a ringing in her ears that wouldn't go away, as if she had a feeling the story wasn't finished yet, that there was still a last chapter, so that's why she spoke up, wanting to hear the ending that wasn't there. 

"Is there a happy ending?" Harper asked, with curiosity and innocence of a 7 year old not tainted or adulterated by the world's damage. 

"No, there isn't. So that's my regret. I regret not telling him I loved him, I regret that we didn't get a happy ending", Buffy answered sadly. 

To take the gazes off her sister's uncomfortable form, Dawn spoke. 

"I regret not telling him that I forgave him after I found out what he went through. I always thought there's always tomorrow, y'know? Him being a vampire and all, he should've had forever, but even vampires aren't truly immortal", Dawn spoke her regret and began to bite her glossy lips. 

"So will we get our happy endings?" An optimistic girl with dull brown pigtails asked, twirling a stake with her hands nervously. 

"Just don't do a Buffy and date a vamp, guys", Dawn joked when Buffy didn't answer, lost in her thoughts. 

"This ones for Miss Su- Buffy", Q said, which made Buffy finally look up at the direct statement towards her, looking more calm and collected. 

"Yeah?"

"Will you get your happy ending?" Q asked, blue eyes penetrating into Buffy's green ones, and Harper couldn't help but lean forward to hear Buffy's reply. 

After much consideration and thought on her answer, letting go of her bottom lip which she was worrying, she smiled an indulgent smile and answered;

"Maybe one day."

The silence after that was interrupted by the raucous laughter and chatter of the other SITs who'd returned from their shopping trip, Willow and Faith laughing in front of the crowd of rowdy girls, their own shopping bags in tow. Stopping to observe everyone's expressions, Willow frowned and gave Buffy a questioning look. 

"What did we miss?"

Buffy just gave her best friend a secretive grin, one which all the SITs shared with her. 

"Oh, nothing."


End file.
